How to Let Go: Why It’s So Hard and How to Finally Move Forward with Confidence

Dr. Christine Li [00:00:00]:
Welcome back to the Make Time for Success podcast.

Dr. Christine Li [00:00:02]:
This is episode number 268. If you have wondered what is it.

Dr. Christine Li [00:00:09]:
Going to take to enable you to let go of some things, maybe it's.

Dr. Christine Li [00:00:14]:
Your physical clutter, maybe it's a certain mindset, maybe it's a certain identity that was given to you by your family members. Whatever it is, this episode is going to discuss all of those topics. Really the reasons why we can find it to be hard to let go of things, memories, parts of ourselves and identities, and an acceptance of how difficult things can feel, but also to open up the possibilities of what can happen when you learn that letting go really creates space and it really invites abundance in and it really allows you to become perhaps a bigger and more expanded version of your beautiful self. Let's go listen to this episode and my reflections on these topics together now.

Dr. Christine Li [00:01:14]:
Hi, I'm Dr. Christine Li and I'm a psychologist and a procrastination coach. I've helped thousands of people move past procrastination and overwhelm so so they could begin working to their potential. In this podcast, you're going to learn powerful strategies for getting your mind, body and energy to work together so that you can focus on what's really important and accomplish the goals you want to achieve. When you start living within your full power, you're going to see how being productive can be easy and how you can create success on demand. Welcome to the Make Time for Success podcast.

Dr. Christine Li [00:01:57]:
So today's episode is going to be.

Dr. Christine Li [00:01:59]:
A collection of my reflections on the topic of letting go. I've chosen this topic for this episode because I have noticed while working with hundreds of clients on the topic of letting go of clutter that one of the main issues with having a lot of clutter and having frustration around it is is that people really have never learned how to let go of things, the importance of letting go of things, and why it's so important. So I thought, let's make an episode from this content. So let's go. I'm going to start with the topic of why letting go is something that we should all learn and we should all learn how to do well. I believe that letting go is skill. It is not something that may come easily because our entire society is structured around accumulating things and being attached to things and attributing meaning to things. So it would make sense that letting go, discarding things, separating from things, may feel a little bit less valuable or a less desirable habit to focus on.

Dr. Christine Li [00:03:18]:
But again, I'm going to try to convince you that letting go is a wonderful habit to focus on. When we learn how to let go in a safe, healthy, timely way, I believe we get a lot for ourselves in return. I believe we end up giving us ourselves, this confirmation that we are safe. I believe that when we learn how to let go well, we reaffirm our commitment to living in abundant life. When you let go of things, it's saying to the universe, I trust that there's way more than that one item that I'm letting go. I'm ready for more. When we learn to let go, well, we indicate that we are ready for something new. And I think this is so important for the midlife women that I tend to work with.

Dr. Christine Li [00:04:11]:
We've been through so much of our lives, our first half, our first chapter of our lives, and there is so much more exciting material, exciting experiences, exciting people and identities to experiment with. But if we're holding on to everything from the first half of our lives, we're going to have a lot less freedom to experiment and freedom to grow. So learn how to let go. Well. When you learn how to let go well, you also indicate that you're ready for that new identity that you've been craving. No more wondering what retirement is going to be like. No more wondering what having an open space in your house that is free of clutter, what that's going to feel like. You're going to be living that new identity, and it's going to be wonderful.

Dr. Christine Li [00:05:05]:
And finally, when you learn how to let go in a safe, healthy, and timely way, you indicate to yourself and to the universe that you have more confidence. I think confidence is kind of the positive side effect that comes along. Anytime you do something that is healthy for yourself, you end up thinking, oh.

Dr. Christine Li [00:05:28]:
I'm not such an idiot after all.

Dr. Christine Li [00:05:30]:
I know how to make good decisions. I know how to make changes. I know how to shift my habits when I realize that it's time to do things differently. And when you take these steps in a meaningful, purposeful, mindful and intelligent way, you're going to end up feeling really proud of yourself. And I think, let's do that. Let's learn how to do that right now. The second portion of this episode is going to focus on what prevents us from letting go in general. And one of the main reasons why we have difficulty letting go is because it involves making decisions, and it involves making difficult decisions because we've attached ourself.

Dr. Christine Li [00:06:18]:
To the old material, to the old.

Dr. Christine Li [00:06:21]:
Job, to the old identity, to the old house. Whatever you could fill in the blank. We've attached ourselves to the old thing for a reason. We decided we liked it. We decided it was going to keep us safe. We decided it fit well on our body and it made us look stylish. Whatever. We had some good reason for saying, I'm going to keep this with me and I'm going to connect my identity to this item.

Dr. Christine Li [00:06:50]:
So when we're considering letting things go, it means revisiting that original decision. And that can bring up lots of issues. Do you trust yourself enough to move forward?

Dr. Christine Li [00:07:03]:
Do you trust yourself enough to find.

Dr. Christine Li [00:07:06]:
A good replacement for the old thing? Do you trust that you're not going to be really upset when that thing is out of your life? That's what I hear from clients who.

Dr. Christine Li [00:07:16]:
Are struggling with clutter.

Dr. Christine Li [00:07:18]:
Many people just are worried about the loss. And I read a social media post today where somebody commented that the language of loss is really scary to the nervous system. So maybe we want to not categorize it as loss. We want to say, what am I standing to gain when I release this, when I let this thing go? Instead of portraying everything as a dramatic loss. Because maybe we won't move forward if we're thinking everything is going to be a dramatic loss. It'll be a hit to our nervous system. We don't want to have that happen when we can avoid that. So maybe change your language, change your attitude, know that you can make decisions and that you can really benefit when you make positive, forward looking decisions for yourself.

Dr. Christine Li [00:08:14]:
So what are some reasons why we might be afraid to make solid decisions to move forward? One is that something happened in our past. And that's where my role as a psychologist really comes in handy. So many clients ask me, well, do we have to look all the way back so many decades ago at what happened in my childhood? And my response is always, maybe because I love doing that kind of work with people. That's why I became a psychologist. I do believe in that method because we all have stories from our childhood that really affect how we behave as.

Dr. Christine Li [00:08:56]:
Adults in the current moment, in the current time frame.

Dr. Christine Li [00:09:01]:
But what I will also say, the reason why I say maybe instead of, oh yes, definitely, let's uproot your past and dig into all those details is because you can change your mind and your habits in the current time frame without ever reviewing what your mom and dad did to you or how you felt ashamed in gym class or any of that stuff. We can just say, I no longer wish to feel this way. I wish to feel the other way. And I'm going to change my habits so that I make sure that that new style of being comes into my life right away. So the way that you were treated when you were a child created a certain set of beliefs about yourself, your belief about who you are. And yes, that is going to affect how you are attached to things like clutter, how you carry yourself, what you identify yourself as. I consider myself, for example, a very extroverted person.

Dr. Christine Li [00:10:07]:
Is that from my childhood? Not so much, but certain other things are from my childhood. Like maybe the idea that I like.

Dr. Christine Li [00:10:18]:
Art, like I like to be artistic and creative, that is something from way back. And so that's part of my identity.

Dr. Christine Li [00:10:27]:
So you could see that if I am saying, oh, I'm going to just.

Dr. Christine Li [00:10:31]:
Leave that behind, that creative identity behind, it might cause some distress inside.

Dr. Christine Li [00:10:38]:
But know that some of the negative stories that you might have accumulated from.

Dr. Christine Li [00:10:44]:
Childhood are probably due for some review in your current life as an adult.

Dr. Christine Li [00:10:51]:
Maybe you don't have to always tolerate coming second in relationships.

Dr. Christine Li [00:10:57]:
Maybe you don't always have to tolerate.

Dr. Christine Li [00:11:00]:
Feeling like you're considered not so smart compared to other people. Maybe that was just something that was a joke in your family because you were goofy or because you were constantly.

Dr. Christine Li [00:11:15]:
Getting into accidents, but that you made.

Dr. Christine Li [00:11:18]:
That a more concrete part of your.

Dr. Christine Li [00:11:21]:
Way of seeing yourself, it and now.

Dr. Christine Li [00:11:23]:
It'S causing you trouble in your adult life because you are smart, because you may still be goofy, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't be respected by other people.

Dr. Christine Li [00:11:33]:
So know that you as an adult can make any type of decision that.

Dr. Christine Li [00:11:40]:
Feels right for you. No one else has to agree with your decision and with your choices.

Dr. Christine Li [00:11:47]:
That is the part that is hard for many to get on board with.

Dr. Christine Li [00:11:51]:
Because they feel that they still need to be the daughter, they still need to be the good son, they still need to be the people pleaser in the relationship. And my message to you all, if you're in that zone, is that you really don't have to be. You can change literally everything about your identity when you want to. Any piece of it can be shifted. If it's not something like, well, I have brown eyes, because we can't shift those things, but we can shift practically anything else. So the one factor that might prevent us from making decisions easily is stuff we learned from our past. Another reason may be also related to our past, and that may be dysfunction in your family of origin. By dysfunction I mean a lot of things.

Dr. Christine Li [00:12:46]:
I think in many ways most families are dysfunctional because most families aren't perfect. So there is stress because of maybe frequent moves or because of alcoholism or substance abuse or because of an imbalance in the power relationship between your parents or between siblings, something like that. And know that that kind of stress and dysfunction in your family of origin can force people in the family to occupy roles, to take on roles like R O L E S that are more rigid. Instead of saying, oh, I get to be the leader of the family, I get to be the follower in the family, you just get to be one. You just have this role that's kind of almost assigned to you. And, and if that happened to you when you were younger, you can imagine that as a full grown adult you may struggle to feel satisfied because you've been limited to this role of, let's say people pleaser or follower all your life when really you had the inclination to be oppositional. If you are the people pleaser or a leader, if you were relegated into.

Dr. Christine Li [00:14:13]:
The follower position as a child.

Dr. Christine Li [00:14:16]:
So know that again, you can decide as a full grown adult. I get to make these decisions now. Now the question that comes up though right away is, well then what do I do with this feeling that comes up of nervousness, this feeling like I'm doing something wrong or this feeling like it's not safe to change the way I've been using my voice and interacting with my partner or my family in the past and changing all of that past history by being my real self or being my new identity. And I want to tell you that everybody will adapt. That's the great news. We fear change, but that's because change gives us new things to grapple with. But it's not just you that is going to change. It is also going to be the energy that you give off, the energy that you carry, the energy that you possess.

Dr. Christine Li [00:15:21]:
All of that will change the moment you decide I'm occupying this new identity. I'm letting go of my past people pleaser self. I am occupying my true self as an adult. And everyone is just going to have to figure out who they are in relation to my new identity. That might sound like some sci fi movie to you if you've never done it before, but in real life, in real terms, that is what happens when energy changes. When one person in a group changes, everyone in the group change also changes. It's kind of like a law of how energy works because you're not the same person so other people can't relate to you in the same way. And that is not a bad thing.

Dr. Christine Li [00:16:10]:
That is just a new thing. So don't assume that just because you're brave enough to change something means that you're causing irreparable harm, or a change that you won't be able to tolerate, or change that other people in your life will not be able to tolerate. So now the last portion of this.

Dr. Christine Li [00:16:31]:
Discussion will be about what can help.

Dr. Christine Li [00:16:34]:
You to make confident decisions and to take confident actions after making those decisions. The first two sections of this episode.

Dr. Christine Li [00:16:46]:
Should already help that there are so.

Dr. Christine Li [00:16:48]:
Many benefits for saying, I'm going to change. I'm going to let this thing go. I'm going to let my prior self go. And the stuff that might have been holding you back. It doesn't have to stay with you for the rest of your adult life. You can really just decide it's time now. It's a really good time now to change. We're still in January, so let's use this January energy to change.

Dr. Christine Li [00:17:13]:
But I'm going to give you four.

Dr. Christine Li [00:17:15]:
Reasons why you really, really can change.

Dr. Christine Li [00:17:17]:
The first is you need to know.

Dr. Christine Li [00:17:20]:
That you are safe, that you no longer have to stay the same your old self to protect yourself. You can protect yourself because you're a full grown adult and because, to be honest, you've been protecting yourself all along. You protected yourself when you decided to be a people pleaser. Let's get real. I don't think we're naturally fully people pleasing. I think we like to get our way a lot of times. I think we like to be oppositional when the time calls for it, when the situation calls for it. So let your real self fly.

Dr. Christine Li [00:17:57]:
Decide when I am able to do that. That is my definition of what safety feels like. When I get to be in my full power, in my full expression, using.

Dr. Christine Li [00:18:09]:
My voice when I feel like it's necessary, and letting other people know what.

Dr. Christine Li [00:18:13]:
I need, want and desire. I think that is a new definition of adult safety. The second way to become more confident in your decisions and actions is to trust your own feelings. This is probably something I say in every episode, but learning how to trust your feelings is a really great milestone in adult development. Because when we're feeling things like frustration, we can say, oh, I'm feeling sadly or bummed, but frustration is really a clue. It's a clue that you're not happy with the current situation and that maybe you desire something different than the current situation. So instead of feeling like, oh, I'm frustrated and I'm going to have to eat that feeling because I can't say my peace in this situation. And I always get pushback from my mother when I do this.

Dr. Christine Li [00:19:09]:
And I always have to deal with all the stress afterwards. You're going to say to yourself, no, I'm a totally safe adult human being and I am going to make the.

Dr. Christine Li [00:19:19]:
Changes that I need in my life.

Dr. Christine Li [00:19:22]:
So I no longer feel frustrated all the time. That will be worth your time, your energy, a little bit of discomfort with the people in your life, if that's required. And then you'll feel that frustration start to drift away, start to melt away, start to feel like it was nothing. It was just a feeling. And that is going to be terrific. The third way to take more confident.

Dr. Christine Li [00:19:48]:
Action after making better decisions is knowing.

Dr. Christine Li [00:19:54]:
That when you do, you're not going to feel stuck anymore and you're going to find the flow that you suspected was in your life path.

Dr. Christine Li [00:20:05]:
That that feeling of stopping and starting.

Dr. Christine Li [00:20:07]:
All the time, doubting yourself, criticizing yourself, all of that is kind of going to go by the wayside. And what's going to come in its place is going to be freedom to move, creative breath. It's going to be excitement for experimentation and new challenges that you can take on. And feeling really empowered with within yourself.

Dr. Christine Li [00:20:31]:
You'Re going to feel like a full representative of yourself.

Dr. Christine Li [00:20:35]:
So in any group, you get to have the same power of self representation as everyone else. It doesn't matter if they're older, it doesn't matter what their title is. You have now learned for yourself that when you decide to be fully powerful, you are fully powerful. And the final thing on this list of how to take more confident decisions and actions is really understanding how to trust yourself. When you learn how to trust yourself, not just your feelings, but your whole self, your wants, your needs, your idiosyncrasies, your style of being in the world. When you trust that that is okay, you're going to have a clear pathway for making wonderful decisions, decisions that are just right for you. It's kind of like Goldilocks and the Three Bears. You get to assess and then you get to make the choice.

Dr. Christine Li [00:21:37]:
Do you want the middle bowl, the larger bowl, the smaller bowl? It's all up to you. And to experience that level of freedom of choice, freedom of movement, freedom of power is a great thing.

Dr. Christine Li [00:21:51]:
It's kind of the reward of going.

Dr. Christine Li [00:21:53]:
Through childhood and your adolescence and the graduate school years and the family building years and the 30s and 40s. Now you're in your 50s, 60s, 70s, and 80s, and we get to reap.

Dr. Christine Li [00:22:07]:
The rewards of having done all of.

Dr. Christine Li [00:22:09]:
That labor in the past. So trust yourself. Know that that is always going to be where you want to put your energy in your self trust. To summarize, oftentimes we will become confused as to what to do in life. Do we hang on to the clutter? Do we retire and when and where and to what? Do we have a child? Do we not have a child? All these things are really important decisions, but just as important as the actual decision that you make is how you bring yourself to the awareness of what you need inside. I believe that when we feel safe inside, we are our most positive, we are our most creative, we are our most wise, and we are our most sane. And all those things lead to great decisions and great actions that follow. I wish you a lot of fun in this exploration of who you are as this completely beautiful and expanded adult version of yourself and to wonder what do I need to let go of to make even more room for these parts of myself to emerge even more for my future success? If you'd like the free download that accompanies this conversation about how to let go, how to make better decisions, and how to take confident actions, I invite you to go to maketimeforsuccesspodcast.com/lettinggo again it's maketimeforsuccesspodcast.com/lettinggo.

Dr. Christine Li [00:24:00]:
Everything will be in the show notes. And again, thanks so much for being here and trusting me with your time. I'll see you next week when the next episode drops. Bye bye.

Dr. Christine Li [00:24:12]:
Thank you for listening to this episode of the Make Time for Success Podcast.

Dr. Christine Li [00:24:17]:
If you enjoyed what you've heard, you.

Dr. Christine Li [00:24:19]:
Can subscribe to make sure you get notified of upcoming episodes. You can also Visit our website maketimeforsuccesspodcast.com for past episodes, show notes, and all the resources we mention on the show. Feel free to connect with me over on Instagram too. You can find me there under the name Procrastination Coach. Send me a DM and let me know what you're your thoughts are about the episodes you've been listening to and let me know any topics that you might like me to talk about on the show. I'd love to hear all about how you're making Time for Success.

Dr. Christine Li [00:24:52]:
Talk to you soon.