How to Set Healthy Boundaries Without Guilt: Insights from Allison Ly

Dr. Christine Li [00:00:00]:
Welcome back to the Make Time for Success podcast. This is episode number 269. Today my special guest and I are going to tackle the very complicated topic of how to set healthy boundaries. My special guest is Allison Ly and she is a licensed mental health therapist and coach for adults with immigrant parents. So we're going to specifically deal with with boundary setting inside immigrant families. But I think even if you're not the daughter or son of immigrants, you're going to get a lot out of this conversation. She helps people with immigrant parents to unlock their fullest potential and create the relationships they've always desired with their parents and loved ones. Her coaching program builds on her expertise as a therapist and her personal journey as the daughter of immigrant parents, creating new generational patterns for herself and her children.

Dr. Christine Li [00:01:02]:
She's also the host of the Empowered with Immigrant Parents podcast where she teaches tips, tools and shares relatable stories to get you started on leaving the guilt, the self limiting beliefs and the self sacrificing patterns behind. In this episode, I really found that Allison is amazing at detailing the very sensitive dynamics that we can find in families and when we're just trying to negotiate the best deal we can for ourselves. So I think you're going to really enjoy the episode. Before we get into the episode, I want to let you know that Allison has a live event coming up. It's at the end of the month on February 26th at 11:00am Pacific Standard Time and it is called Adults with Immigrant Parents. The Key to Stop People Pleasing and Spiraling in Guilt. The promise of this workshop is that you're going to learn how to spend time with your parents feeling more at peace and calm without needing to your parents to change. So if you'd like the registration link for joining this event, just go to heyallisonly.com/secret that is spelled heyallisonly.com/secret. Again, heyallisonly.com/secret. Now let's get to the material about how to set great boundaries.

Dr. Christine Li [00:02:49]:
Hi, I'm Dr. Christine Li and I'm a psychologist and a procrastination coach. I've helped thousands of people move past procrastination and overwhelm so they could begin working to their potential. In this podcast you're going to learn powerful strategies for getting your mind, body and energy to work together so that you can focus on what's really important and accomplish the goals you want to achieve. When you start living within your full power you're going to see how being productive can be easy and how you can create success on demand. Welcome to the Make Time for Success podcast.

Dr. Christine Li [00:03:32]:
Hello, my friends. And we are still enjoying the January vibes of this new year. Thank you for being here again on the Make Time for Success show. Today we have the most lovely of guests, Allison Ly. She is a mental health therapist, a coach, and a podcaster. I had the pleasure of being interviewed by her in 2025. We had a great time, and I'm so glad to have her on this show. We've decided to focus on the topic of boundaries and assorted other issues related to boundary keeping.

Dr. Christine Li [00:04:12]:
So welcome, welcome, welcome, Allison, to the show.

Allison Ly [00:04:15]:
Thank you so much for having me. It's great to be here. Happy New Year. Yeah. And it was a pleasure having you on my show as well. I love that conversation. So excited to be here.

Dr. Christine Li [00:04:25]:
It was great. It was great. Thank you for being here. So let's talk about boundaries. Let's get to it. How did boundaries become an area of interest for you, if you don't mind starting us off there?

Allison Ly [00:04:40]:
Yeah, so I always love talking about boundaries because, I mean, on the surface, right, everyone can quote, unquote, say no. Everyone can decide what they want to do or don't do. But, you know, there's a lot of mental, emotional work that kind of goes behind that, especially with adults with immigrant parents when, you know, growing up, if we're responsible for helping our parents, you know, read a letter, do this, you know, figure out technology, whatever it is, it's kind of hard to say no. It's not that easy to be like, I'm not going to help you when I know how to read the language or if you need this help from me. And so adults with immigrant parents specifically, that is ingrained in them to help, to sacrifice their needs. And, you know, it's not like malicious or intended in that way necessarily, always. Right. It's kind of just life and circumstantial.

Allison Ly [00:05:35]:
So it gets built in them and it gets built in me, for example. And it was hard. It was really hard to say no, because even not showing up for something or, you know, not saying not helping my mom, for example, made me feel like I'm a bad daughter or I'm abandoning my family if I don't show up to this thing, when really it's not that big, but it feels that way. So boundaries to me is always about, like, strengthening relationships and always helping us show up more for the people we actually care about. And if we Actually don't set boundaries. We end up burning out, and it builds up resentment. It actually makes us potentially cut ties with the very people that we love and care about the most. And that's actually what I see in my work with my clients, is that they really love their family, but they've given so much, had so much difficulty in saying no, that they think cutting them out is the only way.

Allison Ly [00:06:31]:
And, like, that's not actually what they want at all. So that's why I love talking about boundaries. Even though it seems like, yes, I just say no. But there's so many levels and so many layers beneath that that needs to be talked about and addressed to say no and feel good about it and not fall into, like, guilt and, you know, spiraling in our negative thoughts.

Dr. Christine Li [00:06:53]:
I can feel how complicated this topic is already from that beginning. A few sentences. So thank you for starting us off. I'm just going to go with my set of questions that are coming up on the fly, as always. Let's start with the idea that many people know that you can just say no. Is that somehow radically different for children of immigrant parents?

Allison Ly [00:07:24]:
Yeah. And I, at least in my experience and the work that I've done with my clients, I think sometimes no isn't an option. Not that you don't know how to say it or that you can't practice it, but deep down, it feels like you really can't say no. So in a way, it does feel radically different. And I was just on a podcast earlier, actually, where we were talking about, for example, my daughter. She's a toddler, like four, and sometimes she doesn't want to hug my parents high or bye. And I'll be like, okay, do you want to give them a high five? Do you want to give them a wave instead? And when I was younger, that was not an option. You had to.

Allison Ly [00:08:02]:
You had to give whoever the relative was a hug or, you know, greet them in a way that they wanted to be greeted, and there wasn't really an alternative because that felt disrespectful. It felt rude. It felt like you're also putting shame might be too strong for this example, but you're not saving face for the family. Right. By being disrespectful. So I think it's radically different, even though no is obviously available to us all at some point in time.

Dr. Christine Li [00:08:34]:
Yes. So how is.

Dr. Christine Li [00:08:36]:
If I may ask, how is that.

Dr. Christine Li [00:08:37]:
With your parents that your daughter is expressing a desire for greater boundaries, perhaps, or choice?

Allison Ly [00:08:44]:
Yeah, it's. I think they accept it in the moment. But they'll be like, but I just, I love you. I just want to give you a hug. I'm leaving. So they kind of explain themselves, which I acknowledge. I'm like, oh, I know you do. And yeah, grandma grandpa just wants to say bye, like in Vietnamese.

Allison Ly [00:08:59]:
I talk to her in Vietnamese when they're around. So I acknowledge it and I try to ask if she wants to, but I talk to my parents on the side about like, you know, it's not that she doesn't want to hug you and it's not that she doesn't. I mean, she doesn't want to hug you, but it's not that she doesn't care about you. It doesn't mean anything deeper than she doesn't want to hug right now. Right. And I have to like kind of remind them. And in the moment I have to remind them verbally too as I'm talking to her, like, well, if these are other options to say bye and to show that you care. So I'm reminding them, I'm reminding her.

Allison Ly [00:09:30]:
I'm reminding myself also to be like, oh my gosh, this is not a bit that big of a deal. She's not like, she hates them. Right. Like to kind of calm the situation down without really, hopefully anyone getting more of their feelings hurt.

Dr. Christine Li [00:09:42]:
Yeah.

Allison Ly [00:09:42]:
Because if, if it's hurt, I can't really do anything about it.

Dr. Christine Li [00:09:46]:
Yes, yes. And that's, that's progress too, to really even understand that emotions are going to flow as they're going to flow, that we can't necessarily manage them all the time for everybody around us, which is a big, I think, milestone when you get to that realization. So thank you for that. Was there a moment in perhaps your own life if you want to talk about yourself personally or that you find in your clients lives? Is there a stage of life where the boundary issues where the need to set them in a healthier way or a more effective way tends to be really the main point of that stage or age.

Allison Ly [00:10:30]:
Yeah. I think post college for sure. And especially when people are trying to have their own family. But even before that there's so many, like even just a career choice of like, what do I want to do, where do I want to live for my job? Do I move out of the state and leave my parents? Right. Like to get a new job. So post college, definitely. Because I think before that everything's kind of streamlined. Right.

Allison Ly [00:10:57]:
You do, you do this, you do that. And you know, there isn't like quote unquote, much choice at least with the clients that I work with. But yeah, in my experience, it was really when I first had my first job where I moved out. Yeah, moving out was another big one. Right. Post college and career. After work, I would, I live in Los Angeles. So then I would travel like an hour for work.

Allison Ly [00:11:24]:
On a normal commute it would probably take 20 minutes, but you know, LA traffic, I would be exhausted, but I would still feel the need to stop by my parents house to sit there, show up and show that I didn't abandon them, that I wanted to help them with things. But I was so exhausted and like there were days where it would be fine. There were days where I really should have just gone home and took a nap, but I didn't. And I kind of felt that when I was there where I really wasn't doing anything beneficial for them or for myself. But because of this guilt and this pressure I put on myself sometimes from them, sometimes they just want to see me. I forced myself to be in a situation where like no one was really happy. And once I started seeing that pattern, I had to be like, you know, today I'm not going to go. And it's for these good reasons.

Allison Ly [00:12:11]:
Right. I will show up better tomorrow, I'll be more energized and I won't feel like I'm just sitting there being grumpy potentially. Right, Right. So that's like one of the main moments that I really struggled with with like, I'm not a bad person for not coming. And you know, it can be hard. So we have to like really think about what we're telling ourselves and challenge them in a way to be like, is this actually true that I'm a bad person for not going to my mom's house for like one day? Like, no. And what are the bigger picture and potential possibilities that are better than me sitting there doing nothing? Right. Being tired.

Dr. Christine Li [00:12:50]:
Yes. So you make me think of two things. The inner pushback. So you're choosing to do something or not, and then your reaction to that choice. But then there's also the parental pushback, or if we're not talking about parents, necessarily about having boundaries with other people in our lives, dealing with potential pushback, real or imagined or anticipated from the other people. Could we talk about both, maybe starting from how do you strengthen the listening ear for what you really want? What is really kind of going to go the best for you in the particular situation? How do you listen to your inner voice better?

Allison Ly [00:13:35]:
Yeah, I think the strongest that I've noticed with my Clients, when they first come in, is the feelings of frustration, the negative emotions. Right. The unpleasant frustrations, anger, resentment, those types of feelings. Like, if we're feeling any inkling of that or a lot of inkling of that, then that's a cue to be like, oh, like, what am I trying to tell myself here? Like, what is going on? What do I actually need? And it doesn't always have to be so intense, but of course, like, that would be the easiest to kind of pick up on. And then as we practice even picking up on the intense emotions when it happens at a more mild level, we would be more tune with that and just really giving ourselves the space to be like, oh, I felt this way. And not criticizing it, because I think it's really, really easy to be like, well, why do you feel this way? You shouldn't feel this way. And then we push it aside, but actually the feeling's there and it's only growing stronger, and then it just grows. Right.

Allison Ly [00:14:33]:
So it's actually not beneficial to ignore it as well. It's just to give it space. Yeah.

Dr. Christine Li [00:14:39]:
It's hard to deny what's there all the time, I guess.

Allison Ly [00:14:42]:
Yeah.

Dr. Christine Li [00:14:42]:
Yeah. Okay, so then what about other people? I saw earlier today one post where there was a woman maybe just taking care of herself, and she was saying, when you realize how hard it is to change your own self, it makes it just so ridiculous to think that you could actually change the behavior of other people. And I hope it's relevant to bring that up here, because we're talking about reactions between people, and I'm thinking that when we're wanting to have our boundaries respected, we're expecting the other people to cooperate. So what happens when people are not cooperating, when they're really pushing back? They're calling you names, they're making you feel guilty, they're making you feel stressed, maybe with silent treatment or maybe something even more punitive than that. Maybe you're at a work environment. What. What do you do?

Allison Ly [00:15:41]:
Yeah, and first of all, that post is very relevant, right? Because it is true. We have no control over what other people say, what they feel, what they do, how they treat us in response to something that we want to do. And that, first of all, it's just very, very hard. So I think we have to really validate that for ourselves. And for me, it really helps to, like, visualize a circle and then another circle where everything in this first circle is what. What I'm in control of, and then just really placing them visually on the outer circle. So that I can visually and emotionally feel like, hey, this is really out of my circle. Like, it's out of my control.

Allison Ly [00:16:22]:
I can't do anything about it. But why am I doing this? Right? So it goes back to being really in tune with why we're doing something in our feelings. I don't like feeling frustrated when I say yes to this thing and I show up and I don't feel good about how I'm interacting with them. That's not the quality of time that I want to spend with my parents. Grumpy, right? So then I have to remember, okay, they don't like it. You know, as an example, they don't like it and I feel really bad about it. And they're treating me this way in response to what I want because it's different for them. But going back to my why and remembering that how I want to show up is the key.

Allison Ly [00:16:59]:
So it still goes back to ourselves. And also just giving other people space to feel what they feel. Because there as we're setting boundaries, as we're saying no and making space for ourselves to do things that we want to do, other people have to adapt to that because then you're changing the dynamic and that takes some time for them too.

Dr. Christine Li [00:17:18]:
Yes, yes, yes, absolutely. These aren't one and done situations oftentimes, and I think few things are. And I love your circle imagery and that technique because it's so good. It is so good. So just to reiterate, when you feel like you're in an emotionally heated situation, perhaps you want to take a moment to pause and just think, what are my needs? What am I doing this for? What I get myself into? But also, just safely protect your emotional experience and then take a look at what other people are giving you. But know that it's in a completely separate circle from yours and that you can navigate it mentally, emotionally and situationally. You have to be able to. Right.

Dr. Christine Li [00:18:10]:
I think the danger comes when we give over our sense of self to the circumstances or to other people. Now I'm imagining that we all do this, even though we've healed some stuff around boundaries. So what's your advice about that? Let's say you've said yes to something that, oh, gosh, I regret that. Oh, gosh, that's too much. Oh, gosh, I felt pressured into that and I wasn't listening to myself. How do you recover from situations like that? How do you understand that? And how do you speak to yourself when that happens?

Allison Ly [00:18:48]:
Yeah, Such a great question. Because it happens right as we're living life. We don't know our boundaries. We can't know all of our boundaries until we experience something sometimes. Right? So like, like you're saying it's every iteration, every experience adds to that. So if we notice this pattern, if we notice that like, I don't feel good when I said yes to this, even if it's a one time thing and not a pattern, then what do we want to do next time? And I think really just being like, okay, I didn't know that then and now I know it, so what do I want to do moving forward? Is the maybe statement, the question, the, the reflection that I would encourage myself also to do and everyone else to do. Because like I said, it's a continual work. Because we know.

Allison Ly [00:19:31]:
Yeah, we just can't predict everything that's gonna not feel good for us. Right. We might think we wanted to do something and while we're in it, we're like, oh, I did not wanna eat tacos tonight.

Dr. Christine Li [00:19:41]:
Right.

Allison Ly [00:19:41]:
Or something like that. So it's just being very kind and flexible.

Dr. Christine Li [00:19:46]:
I find myself wondering with your clients, with immigrant parents, when you teach them all these skills for centering themselves, listening to themselves, communicating with the people they need to communicate with, what ends up being the result, for the most part, the most familiar or frequent result that you see for the clients first and then for the interpersonal situation.

Allison Ly [00:20:19]:
So when they practice something that we've talked about, I mean, what I noticed first that's coming up is it takes time. It really is like the stages of change, right. Where we first are introduced to something and we're like, oh, that's not for me. Then we think about it and we're like, oh, that's kind of interesting. And then we go on to the next stage of, oh, that could be possible for me. Right. So it's like this iteration of like just slowly letting it, you know, sink into our system or see if we actually like it or not. Which is kind of similar to boundaries.

Allison Ly [00:20:53]:
Right. We don't know what we want until it, it happens or we actually practice it. So that's something I noticed where it just takes time to really examine and reflect on whether or not it is something we want to do. And I think that's great. Cause also if we've been used to something for decades or for years or even months, it's hard to change. Just like that post that you saw, it's so hard to change ourselves. So time is helpful to just sit with what we want. And I forgot the last part of your question.

Dr. Christine Li [00:21:29]:
So that's what happens with the client, it seems, or the individual that it seems, like you were saying, they start to do a process of gradually believing that this could be possible for them. The second part of the question was, what happens to the dynamics between the people over time?

Allison Ly [00:21:49]:
Yeah. So whenever we take an action, there's this ripple effect. Right. And sometimes it's not a good one, and sometimes it may be positive. Because I think when we say no to something, people can react. Right. Obviously one of two ways, positively or negatively. And we also need to give them time.

Allison Ly [00:22:10]:
So I think usually there's a shock first from the other people and maybe some pushback. So then again, that's why we have to go back to, like, why we're doing what we're doing and to kind of not let that pushback, like, change our mind that we had already decided on, and then really give them the time and space to also process, because just as we needed that time, they need that time. And then eventually, I think the other parties usually learn, like, hey, I can set boundaries, too. Like, I can say no. Like, it gives us modeling and permission that, you know, to just do something that we didn't know was possible. So we're actually really giving people other opportunities when we're giving ourselves opportunities.

Dr. Christine Li [00:23:00]:
I love that. I love that explanation. I love that as a giant gift to both parties that when one part of the system has the bravery of changing, it gives license to everybody in the situation to also consider changing, which I love. I think stress happens in systems when we don't feel like we have options, and then we're all kind of tussling or fighting or arguing or negotiating for what feels like scarce resources. And that, I have found, is never really a very powerful way to negotiate when you're feeling like you're desperate or you're stressed or you're angry or there's only so much to go around, like love between grandparents and a granddaughter. There's infinite love there. So, yeah, we have lots of room to consider how do we say goodbye to each other in a comfortable way? That's totally great.

Allison Ly [00:24:02]:
Yeah.

Dr. Christine Li [00:24:02]:
So thank you for doing this beautiful, sensitive work, Allison. This is wonderful.

Allison Ly [00:24:08]:
Yeah. Thank you. Yeah. It's been something, you know, I personally have benefited from, and I know it can help a lot of people. And I know, like, with just having the space and the perspective to think about different options is so powerful. So, again, even if we're in the first step of the stages of change, of just like, oh, is this even Available for me, it's so powerful because again, it can snowball or we can take the next step if we want to. But there's a lot of opportunities and options that are available to us that we don't know about. That could be really great.

Dr. Christine Li [00:24:43]:
Yeah, it sounds like a process of developing self confidence too, that you know, you're safe, you have a voice, you have power interpersonally and in representing yourself. These are all amazing skills that we all should have in. In abundance. In abundance and with freedom to use. So thank you for modeling that for us today. I know you have a free resource that, that you would like to share with our listeners. Could you describe that for us?

Allison Ly [00:25:14]:
Yeah. So since we were talking about boundaries and saying no and how that can be very difficult for adults with immigrant parents. So I developed this cheat sheet of like different steps that you can go through to kind of reflect on your why, your reason for wanting this boundary and then actually how to execute that. So yeah, that's a free resource of like stop feeling bad when you say no. I cheat sheet. And it's on my website at heyallisonly.com/cheatsheet. But I know you have a different link that your listeners can go to.

Dr. Christine Li [00:25:43]:
Yeah, you can go to either link. The link that I'm going to create is maketimeforsuccesspodcast.com/sayno. Again, it's maketimeforsuccesspodcast.com/sayno. And that cheat sheet sounds like it would be good for anyone, not just people with immigrant parents. Yeah.

Allison Ly [00:26:03]:
Yeah. And it especially right with your podcast being Make Time for Success. If you really want to make time for whatever success that we want. Setting boundaries is a important thing to practice so that we can have more time, more energy, more freedom to kind of think about what it is that we want.

Dr. Christine Li [00:26:21]:
More peace. Let's have more peace. Yeah.

Allison Ly [00:26:24]:
Terrific.

Dr. Christine Li [00:26:25]:
Could you share with us how people can get to you, work with you and follow you?

Allison Ly [00:26:32]:
Yeah. So I am on instagram and on YouTube @heyallisonly. I'm a mental health therapist in California. So if anyone's looking for therapy, that's how they can work with me one on one. But really from the work that I've done in my therapy, I wanted to create a bigger way that people can access the tips and tools that have been helpful so they can work with me through coaching as well. I'm opening up some programs later this year and I'm excited for that so they can do that in a more coaching space where it would be kind of just More. I don't know how to describe it, but it's not. It's not therapy.

Dr. Christine Li [00:27:14]:
Yes.

Allison Ly [00:27:14]:
Yeah. And I also have a podcast, as you mentioned, Empowered with Immigrant Parents podcast that we can learn from and hear stories like, like yours, of how we can really just strengthen what we want to do and how we can take care of ourselves while taking care of our parents and our families.

Dr. Christine Li [00:27:34]:
Yes. This is really beautiful work. Again, thank you. Thank you. Thank you, Allison. Thanks for the freebie gift. Thanks for the mentions. Everyone, please, please, please stay in touch with Allison.

Dr. Christine Li [00:27:43]:
Send her a direct message on Instagram, perhaps to let her know your biggest takeaway or what you loved about this episode. Any final words for our audience so that they can really stay true to themselves and work on their boundaries.

Allison Ly [00:28:00]:
It's a work in progress, right? Just as everything in life and just as we are, just because we say no to one thing doesn't mean that we have to say no to it forever. We're also able to change our minds. That's the beautiful thing about boundaries, is that they can also be flexible, even as the word itself can sound contradictory to that. We can be flexible with the things that we change our minds on, and they're never set in stone unless you want it to be. So just keeping that in mind as we work on things or set boundaries and, you know, have a hard time saying no, we can also change our mind.

Dr. Christine Li [00:28:35]:
Yeah. Beautiful. Just don't be afraid. It sounds like. Don't be afraid. Don't let fear rule your decisions. Let's do that. Okay.

Allison Ly [00:28:44]:
Direct Dr. Li, for having me. I really enjoyed being here and, yeah, talking to you and getting to connect with you.

Dr. Christine Li [00:28:50]:
Thank you so much, Allison. I will be in touch with you soon and we'll stay connected. And everyone else, please, again, stay connected with Allison as well. And I will look forward to seeing you next week when another episode of Make Time for Success drops again. I'll see you soon.

Dr. Christine Li [00:29:08]:
Bye. Thank you for listening to this episode of the Make Time for Success podcast. If you enjoy what you've heard, you can subscribe to. Make sure you get notified of upcoming episodes. You can also Visit our website, maketimeforsuccesspodcast.com for past episodes, show notes, and all the resources we mention on the show. Feel free to connect with me over on Instagram too. You can find me there under the name Procrastination Coach. Send me a DM and let me know what your thoughts are about the episodes you've been listening to and let me know any topics that you might like.

Dr. Christine Li [00:29:45]:
Me to talk about on the show. I'd love to hear all about how you're making time for success. Talk to you soon.