Midlife is Not a Crisis: Rewriting the Script for the Second Half of Life with Laurie Reynoldson

Dr. Christine Li [00:00:01]:
Welcome back to the Make Time for Success podcast. This is episode number 253. If you are a woman in midlife, you know already that life can be really layered and really complicated. And that midlife can be a phase of life that feels like everything is coming at you all at once. Family, job, future plans, maybe a relocation. And sometimes it may be that your own personal dreams fall by the wayside or they don't get the attention that they really require. Well, Lori is an expert in just this situation. She helps high achieving women to transition into the skill of really focusing on themselves first.

Dr. Christine Li [00:00:50]:
She helps women to really be unafraid of reaching for their success goals while also making sure they are fulfilled from the inside as well. You're going to hear in this episode her own amazing story of how she achieved everything she ever thought she wanted or would want and then walked away from all of that in order to pursue her current life. A life of meaning, a life of purpose, and a life filled with mission and great clients. Lori works remotely with clients worldwide from her home base in Boise, Idaho. And when she's not cheering on midlife women, you can find her hiking and running in the mountains, eating her way through France and Italy, and sipping margaritas with a good book in Mexico. She is a delight. She is a wonderful friend and a wonderful speaker and we're all going to learn a lot from her here. Let's go listen to this episode together now.

Dr. Christine Li [00:01:59]:
Hi, I'm Dr. Christine Lee and I'm a psychologist and a procrastination coach. I've helped thousands of people move past procrastination and overwhelm so they could begin working to their potential. In this podcast, you're going to learn powerful strategies for getting your mind, body and energy to work together so that you can focus on what's really important and accomplish the goals you want to achieve. When you start living within your full power, you're going to see how being productive can be easy and how you can create success on demand. Welcome to the Make Time for Success podcast. Hi my friends. I have the distinct pleasure today of having my good friend and colleague Lori Reynoldson on the show.

Dr. Christine Li [00:02:50]:
She is a recovering attorney. I love that phrase. And, and she is a leader of women. She is the podcast host of the very popular podcast the School of Midlife. And I've invited Lori on the show today for so many different reasons, not the least of which is that we relate and connect with so many of the issues that women in midlife have to go through. And these issues really There may not be enough of a forum or a space for women to understand these issues, to process these issues, and to learn how to overcome these issues as well. So I'm so grateful, Lori, to see you today and to have you on the show. Welcome.

Laurie Reynoldson [00:03:40]:
Thank you so much for inviting me, Christine. You know I adore you. I love talking about all things midlife women. So I am excited for this conversation and to get to know your listeners a little bit more.

Dr. Christine Li [00:03:51]:
Thank you so much, Lori. I adore you too. All right, so Laurie, we before pressing record were talking about the idea of limiting beliefs, that we both have the great opportunity to meet many different types of women and leaders and people who are just doing their best to be their best in midlife. And we both have noticed that there's a struggle inside and we're labeling them limiting beliefs. But I thought we would start a general conversation about what a limiting belief is and why are we maybe burdened by things like limiting beliefs and what are your strategies for helping people to rise above their own self limitations.

Laurie Reynoldson [00:04:46]:
Thank you for that question. There is so much to unpack there. I think I'm going to start with can I provide a little bit of context to what we were talking about before we hit play, why we started talking about women and beliefs? I was fortunate enough to facilitate a cohort of women leaders last week at a retreat. It's the second retreat that we've been at together. And when I say these are high powered midlife, mostly midlife women, that might be an understatement. These women are CEOs of businesses. They are like family foundation executive directors. They are doing incredible, incredible things in this world.

Laurie Reynoldson [00:05:29]:
And one of the pieces that we talk about when everything at the midlife is how can I make midlife my best life? And in true spiritual, best life for me is an acronym. It's not just some message scrolled on a piece of paper or a piece of wood that you would buy at Hobby Lobby, but it actually means something at the school of midlife. And that is how can you create a life that's beyond your wildest dreams, which is success on your terms and is something that you truly want. So that's the best. We create that so that we can live a life of legacy, impact, fulfillment and excitement. So last week we spent three incredible days really diving into what is living a best life mean to me. We looked at it in all sorts of different ways and each woman came up with her own definition of what it means for her to live a life of legacy. Impact, fulfillment, and excitement.

Laurie Reynoldson [00:06:28]:
That's great. We've got that basis. But then what happens when all of a sudden imposter syndrome or that negative self talk, that internal editor, that's like, you're too old to do that. You're not smart enough. People don't get enough. What you say doesn't make any sense. And we've got that kind of internal editor going when we notice it happening. That is negative self talk.

Laurie Reynoldson [00:06:55]:
When it's just something that we take as fact because we have. We believe it so much. It's just. It's something that is ingrained in us. That's something that we have just always adopted as truth. Then it becomes a limiting belief, in my opinion. And apologies, Christine, because I know that this is definitely in your realm, and I'm sure I'm. I'm butchering the science behind it, but this is.

Laurie Reynoldson [00:07:17]:
This is how I describe it to the women that I coach.

Dr. Christine Li [00:07:20]:
I think that's a great definition of limiting belief, by the way. I love it. So we're running with this.

Laurie Reynoldson [00:07:26]:
And the thing about limiting beliefs is they are holding us back in a way that we don't even understand it. You know, so people talk about blind spots. People talk about a belief is something that you just think over and over again that becomes a fact. And when it comes to a limiting belief, the word lie. Lie is right in the middle of it because they're not true. They simply are not true. So I am facilitating this retreat last week. We are in the middle of, you know, really vision casting what an incredible best life can look like for every single one of these women.

Laurie Reynoldson [00:08:06]:
And then we spend an afternoon talking about limiting beliefs, which no one wants to talk about. I mean, they're full of kind of all of that. Can I swear? Yeah, okay.

Dr. Christine Li [00:08:18]:
I think.

Laurie Reynoldson [00:08:19]:
Sorry, you can cut that out. But they're full of all that that we keep telling us that, you know, for some, on why it's not working for us or why we can't do something that we want to do. And what happens is years and years and years, you know, decades even, of all those hurts and the feelings and the emotions that we have just been kind of stuffing down. If we actually want to level up and take our life to the next level, to actually live and create that best life, we have to deal with that. And some of that is the limiting beliefs. And I was just so struck last week about this room full of incredible women doing amazing things, leaving just incredible legacies. And they all have these limiting beliefs that are holding them back. I mean, things like, I would never be in my position if I wasn't born into the family that owns the company.

Laurie Reynoldson [00:09:16]:
I'm not smart enough. I don't ask good questions. I'm only in this position because I was lucky. It had nothing to do just the sheer amount of garbage that these women are still carrying despite their incredible success. It just, it kind of broke my heart because it is pervasive. We all have it, we all deal with it and, and it's holding us back whether we recognize it or not.

Dr. Christine Li [00:09:49]:
I am getting chills. I have chills because I love your devotion to these women and your devotion to the work. And I have noted at least two areas to have follow up questions. One is, I just love the idea of the internal editor. I've never heard that phrase before. And really that is is we're checking ourselves all the time. We're making sure we're correct in some way. We're making sure we're not going overboard in some way.

Dr. Christine Li [00:10:23]:
We're making sure we're within the lines. Is there a way to not have an internal editor? Is that the goal?

Laurie Reynoldson [00:10:31]:
I don't know. There probably is. I honestly don't think that we have the time and the energy to spend like rewiring it and figuring out how to get rid of the inner editor. I'll tell you what we do instead is we actually give the internal editor a name. I like alliteration. My internal editor is called Nasty Nancy. And that way I am able to separate what Nasty Nancy is telling me versus what Lori knows to be true. And when that inner editor, that nasty Nancy comes up, I'm able to say, not now, Nancy.

Laurie Reynoldson [00:11:11]:
I'm able to kind of quiet that down and I'm able to separate it so that it's not me thinking those things about myself. It's actually somebody else. A very well known mental coach, Trevor Moad, I actually grew up with him. He unfortunately, he passed away a couple of years ago of cancer. Well known sports mentalist, worked with Russell Wilson at the Seattle Seahawks, worked with the University of Alabama football team. And he was so passionate about this idea that when we think things, negative things about ourselves, it's terrible. When we actually say them out loud, it's exponentially worse. So by changing this whole idea and giving the inner editor an identity, what I'm trying to do is take it away from me saying those bad things about myself.

Laurie Reynoldson [00:12:03]:
And I think it works. The women that we were at the retreat last week, all of my coaching clients who we have done this with. It's funny because they almost think it's kind of funny. Like they get this chuckle out of it that. Well, no one would ever say that to me. I mean, this is ridiculous. Of course, I'm not in this position only because of my family or. I mean, I've got all of this evidence that proves that that thought is just ridiculous.

Laurie Reynoldson [00:12:32]:
And then when we're able to actually take it out of ourselves and give it to somebody else, then they're able to recognize it and kind of laugh about it and realize that it's, it's so untrue.

Dr. Christine Li [00:12:45]:
Yeah, I love that. Thank you for that tip. It makes me think of another question, which was that leaves the, the part where you do believe in your power, in your ability, in your rightful place where, wherever you've ascended to. And I'm wondering about the, the, the relative lack of attention to that part maybe in society and, and also from ourselves to ourselves, that we're not really necessarily well practiced at nurturing that powerful part of us. Could you say it something about that? I just came up with that because, yes, let's remove the negativity and the false beliefs with negative Nancy. But then what do we do with the rest? We've got this kind of lots of truths, lots of real ability in these women, but I think that it's been kind of maybe in the dark a little bit and maybe unattended to.

Laurie Reynoldson [00:13:43]:
Thank you for that question. I, I'm going to approach it this way and maybe it's the attorney in me because, you know, you can take the girl out of the law firm, but maybe you just can't take the attorney out of the girl. We actually make a case for why that belief is wrong because I think it's really helpful for our brain to see evidence of. When I tell myself I'm not smart enough, I'm going to ask myself, is that true or not? It's not true. And then I'm going to come up with this entire list of things that proves that that's just wrong. I am smart enough because I've done X, Y and Z. And it's building this case to your brain, to convincing your subconscious that thought. That's just silly because you've got all of this evidence to the contrary.

Laurie Reynoldson [00:14:34]:
You've got all this evidence that proves otherwise. So this thought that you've just been thinking so much that it has been ingrained as a fact. It's really just a thought. And not only is it just a thought, it's completely wrong. So we shouldn't even be thinking about it anymore.

Dr. Christine Li [00:14:52]:
Okay. Yes. Yes, I appreciate that. And it makes me think about the support that you provide women in the community format that I know that you like to host community forums and retreats, and what have you found is the power of having that format for women.

Laurie Reynoldson [00:15:16]:
In one word, validation. I think that as high achieving women in particular, we are so accustomed to, if there is anything that we don't perceive as going right in our life. Like, I have everything I ever thought I always wanted and it still doesn't feel like enough. Who am I to think I should want for more? Who am I to want a bigger salary or a better promotion? Or we get into this idea that I'm the only one that thinks like that and why can I just be happy with everything I have? So we get some guilt, we get some shame. But when you bring women together, especially women who have been competing in male dominated industries where they haven't been able to show emotion, where they haven't been able to talk to anybody about what they're feeling because we don't want to be labeled as, you know, highly emotional or we can't handle something, when you bring women together and you create a safe space for them, there is so much validation. Oh, you are going through this too. I'm not the only one. And so often women in particular feel like if I just work harder, if I just spend more money, if I throw more money at the project, if I just spend more time, I'll finally figure this out.

Laurie Reynoldson [00:16:38]:
But we're at a point in our life where we just. We already have all the answers. We don't need to figure things out. What we need is community. What we need is support. What we need to understand is what we are feeling is completely valid and absolutely normal.

Dr. Christine Li [00:16:54]:
Okay, now I have to ask because I typically start these episodes, these interviews with the backstory, like how you got to be the leader of women in midlife, coaching them, helping them find validation and comfort with their beautiful souls and power. Do you mind sharing with us your backstory in terms of what kind of limiting beliefs did you struggle with? What happened with the attorney stuff?

Laurie Reynoldson [00:17:24]:
Yeah. Oh, my gosh.

Dr. Christine Li [00:17:25]:
Whatever you want to share with us.

Laurie Reynoldson [00:17:26]:
I'm not sure we have enough time to completely get into this, but here is the Cliff Notes version. I'll make this as short as possible, but I was a commercial real estate attorney for the first 20 years of my career, and I became an attorney because I still remember in fifth grade, we had a class project and I volunteered to be the attorney and I volunteered to be the attorney. And then in fifth grade to said I'm going to be an attorney because my parents always fought about money and I wanted a career where I wasn't always fighting about money and I didn't like blood and I. So that kind of like threw out medicine for me. And you know, there were only, it felt like there were only so many careers that we could choose as, as young girls. So from that point forward, everything I did was to become an attorney. And I did that for 20 years. And I, during that time I had owned my own firm.

Laurie Reynoldson [00:18:24]:
I had been the partner in a boutique firm. I mean I won awards, I was really great at what I did. And I was in a partnership admission interview for a large super regional firm. In my mind that was the thing that I had worked my entire career to land. Like when I thought successful attorney, I thought partner in a large, large firm. Now again, I'd already had my own firm, I'd already been a partner in a firm, but for some reason I still did not feel like I had made it unless I was going to be the partner in this big, big firm. And that process is like a two year process where they look at how much work you're bringing in, who are you working with, are you mentoring young associates? All the things and the very last piece of it before it goes to a partnership vote is they bring you in to this interview. And it's exactly like all of the TV shows that you've seen where there's this big mahogany table in the middle of a conference room in the corner of a high rise building, you know, floor to ceiling windows, 16 of those leather high back conference room chairs, and 15 attorneys and me.

Laurie Reynoldson [00:19:41]:
And the last question they asked me was how will your job change if you are lucky enough to be invited to join the partnership? And I'm a verbal processor, Christine, so you know, I'm giving them all the reasons I'm already acting as of a, I'm a partner. I mean at that point I was 20 years into my career. So I, I knew what I was doing. And it came down to the only two things that would change were my title. I would go from being of counsel, which just means you're a senior attorney who is not a partner. And my compensation, I'd be making more money. And that really hit me. Not because it wasn't true, but because never in my life had I ever done anything because of money.

Laurie Reynoldson [00:20:22]:
And I, I sat with it for a couple of weeks I mean, I flew back home to Boise, where I live, and thought about it then. And I thought about for a couple weeks. And about two weeks later, I went into the administrative partner's office of the Boise firm, and I said, I'm going to make this really easy on the partnership admission committee. I'm withdrawing my name from consideration for partner, and I'm leaving the firm. And I had no backup plan. I figured, you know what? I've got a lot of skills. I can figure this out. I don't know what I want to do with the rest of my life, but I know that I've been suffering from a case of the Sundays for a really long time now.

Laurie Reynoldson [00:20:58]:
And in my mind, like, literally the first time I had thought about it is when they asked me why my job would be different. I just had this assumption that it would be, but I figured that it would just be more politics, and there would. If I didn't like what I was doing before, how was making more money going to solve the problem? And I figured out it wasn't. When I left the law, trying to figure out what I did was going to do with the rest of my life. I, you know, took all the personality tests and just everything I could get my hands on, on, like, what am I supposed to do now? To the point where I finally got to the. You know, I Googled midlife woman in transition, and the only two things that came up were, am I having a midlife crisis? And here are the symptoms of menopause. And I was like, damn, I know that there are a lot of women in my position because they all. So many women reached out to me on LinkedIn when they saw that I changed my job and I left the law.

Laurie Reynoldson [00:21:57]:
And they're like, how did you do that? So I knew that there were women out there like me who still had a lot to give, but we were just trying to figure things out. And that's why I created the school of midlife, because we are capable women. Most of us got on a path in our life really early on where we were doing everything that we were expected to do or that we thought we should do. You know, we went to school, we got a job, we got married, some of us had kids, we got promoted, we bought a, like, all the things on the Success and the Adulting playbook without ever taking a step back and saying, but what. What is it that I want? I know what I'm supposed to do. I know what I'm supposed to want, but is that what I really want. So my entire mission at the School of Midlife is to give women the information and the tools and everything that, the skills that they need to create their best life in midlife and beyond. And also surround them with a community to understand that they're not doing this alone, that there are so many incredible women who have their back and that are cheering them on, which is something that most of us, especially in male dominated careers, have never had, which is someone else cheering for us just for the sake of being there and being supportive of us.

Dr. Christine Li [00:23:21]:
I am so, thank you, so, so grateful for your sharing that story. And though one thing I can think of when you gave your exit notice was your courage for doing that, because you were moving from a path guided by an original fear of let's make sure we have the money and, and we put ourselves on the path and having the courage to say, I don't actually need to proceed through the fear, I can proceed through the wish, through the whatever the wish will be. The wish can come even like, you didn't really know what your wish was at the time, but you had the courage to know that that was what you needed to do for yourself. So that's what I'm most struck by. And I know that you are doing the work that you love right now and that you're so inspired on your path right now and that you're inspiring so many women to take the time to really reflect on what they want. So thank you for doing the work that you do.

Laurie Reynoldson [00:24:29]:
Oh, thank you. It really is, I think, the most important work. You know, we talk a lot about legacy and a lot of women believe that their family is their legacy, and I think that that is a part of it. But we oftentimes forget about us and the ripple effects that we can have, not only on our family and our community and really the whole world. But we have to, we gotta start with us. We can't just keep showing up in the way that we're supposed to or that our parents wanted us to or society tells us to, really the foundation is, what do you want? Because if you figure out what it is that you want, the impact, the ripple effects, your impact on everyone else, it's immeasurable. But you got to start with yourself. And that's not selfish.

Laurie Reynoldson [00:25:24]:
And it's not taking time away from other people. It's actually adding so much more to their experience. And I work with a lot of women who think, but if I take time to chase my dreams, what am I telling my kids about that? And I'M like, that is the most beautiful legacy ever. Think about it. What you're telling your daughters, what you're modeling for them is that women aren't here just to take care of their families. Right. That it is okay to have your own dream. It is okay to do something that really lights you up.

Laurie Reynoldson [00:26:07]:
And for their sons, what they're modeling is mom isn't just here to take care of dad or to make sure that the kids are fed. That it's really incredible to have a mother who knows what she wants and is doing that and then see the dad be supportive of that.

Dr. Christine Li [00:26:28]:
Yeah. I look at it as you're modeling happiness.

Laurie Reynoldson [00:26:32]:
I love that. See, that's the former attorney in me. Like I used to get paid by the word. Not exactly, but like, how, how many words can I say that? And you boil it down to happiness. That's beautiful.

Dr. Christine Li [00:26:44]:
Yeah. I think that's the central vibe. You can find happiness in any way, in any career and in any family configuration with and without children and different ages and different partnership configurations and also solo.

Laurie Reynoldson [00:27:06]:
Right.

Dr. Christine Li [00:27:06]:
You can have a family and be a solo in your household as well. Absolutely. And I just feel like happiness can be found in so many different ways, shapes and forms and in different phases of our life. And one thing that I've been thinking through my general work lately is that our hearts find different things that we love in different ways, in different ages and phases of our lives. So what we loved when we were in our 20s, it's just not relevant right now. Right. Or became even deeper because we're in our 50s, 60s, whatever, however old you are. And I'm kind of fascinated by that now.

Dr. Christine Li [00:27:48]:
It's just like we're allowed to change and we're allowed to expand and we're allowed not to just stay the same. It's okay to change. And of course, if you're happy staying the same, no problem. It's the idea of living with this stress and conflict inside that nobody knows about or nobody hears or nobody witnesses. Except when your body breaks down and you have some sort of mystery illness, which we of course don't want for anybody. We want to like call out this stuff ahead of time so that you have as many years as you can going forward with this open landscape of living out, experimenting, making new mistakes, trying on new careers, trying on new relationships with your kids. It's just much more open. That's I think, happy.

Dr. Christine Li [00:28:41]:
I associate happiness with openness as well. Open heartedness and open mindedness. And that's a real gift for Women, because I think we are really trained into the opposite. We're trained into more limitation, limitation of movement, limitation of freedom, limitation of imagination, even sometimes, especially when it comes to our own range. So that's my soapbox thing.

Laurie Reynoldson [00:29:08]:
That's beautiful. Thank you so much for sharing that. I talk a lot about happiness as well, and I also talk about, I feel like its cousin is fulfillment, where happiness is definitely a piece of it. But for most of the women that I work with, it seems like they are looking for fulfillment, that they. That they want something that is different than they have. But it's like peace, right? It's enoughness. Happiness.

Dr. Christine Li [00:29:41]:
Yeah. Yeah. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Lori, this is. I love you. You're amazing. The work you do is amazing. I am looking forward to getting to know you even more as years go on.

Dr. Christine Li [00:29:54]:
And same to just sharing, sharing our love of helping people together too. I'm sure we're going to keep on going. So could you share with us how our listeners can stay in touch with you, learn from you more, get on your list, let us know.

Laurie Reynoldson [00:30:11]:
Yeah, yeah. Probably the best way to find me is from the website schoolofmidlife.com/starthere. There are some incredible resources for your listeners on there. There is a private podcast that goes all into. It's called More than Menopause and it talks about menopause. The midlife experience is so much more than just the physical pieces of it. So how can you actually dial in some of the more internal mental pieces so that you can get back to feeling more like yourself in midlife and beyond? You can find all about upcoming masterclasses. Everything is.

Laurie Reynoldson [00:30:54]:
Is all right there. So. Schoolofmidlife.com/starthere and I am on social media pretty much everywhere as School of Midlife.

Dr. Christine Li [00:31:03]:
And I'm gonna just put in an extra special reminder plug to have you all listen to the School of Midlife podcast. Because I just, I was recently on the show and I just had the best time being able to find Laurie because she just is great with her reactions and her questions and the conversation just really flows. So go listen to the show too.

Laurie Reynoldson [00:31:28]:
Perfect. Thank you so much. That was such a fun conversation. I've had a number of women comment on. Well, I think they even did your decluttering challenge, which is great. But yes, that was such a fun day. Thank you so much for coming on the podcast. Thank you.

Dr. Christine Li [00:31:44]:
Thanks for having me. All right, everyone, we are going to sign off. Before we sign off, Lori, are there any final words you would like to share advice, love, anything you want to share.

Laurie Reynoldson [00:31:56]:
Midlife is such an opportunity. I think that we are programmed, we are conditioned to believe that it's all downhill from here. But midlife really is the time in our life where most of us have the most money, we have the most time, and we have the most ability to step into and really live a life full of happiness and fulfillment and satisfaction on our terms. We just have to figure out what that means to us. So don't believe that it's a crisis. Don't buy into the jargon that it's all downhill from here. This really is an opportunity to create your best life, live it, and enjoy the hell out of it.

Dr. Christine Li [00:32:38]:
And that's not Negative Nancy talking. That's the truth. So let's go get them, everyone. Thank you. Thank you, Lori. We'll see you soon. And everyone else, I will see you next week when the next episode of the Make Time for Success podcast drops. Thank you.

Dr. Christine Li [00:32:53]:
Thank you. I'll see you guys soon. Bye. Thank you for listening to this episode of the Make Time for Success podcast. If you enjoyed what you heard heard, you can subscribe to make sure you get notified of upcoming episodes. You can also Visit our website maketimeforsuccesspodcast.com for past episodes, show notes, and all the resources we mention on the show. Feel free to connect with me over on Instagram too. You can find me there under the name Procrastination Coach.

Dr. Christine Li [00:33:24]:
Send me a DM and let me know what your thoughts are about the episodes you've been listening to. And let me know any topics that you might like me to talk about on the show. I'd love to hear all about how you're making time for Success. Talk to you soon.