The Clutter-Guilt Cycle (Part 1): How Your Stuff Becomes a Source of Shame

Dr. Christine Li [00:00:00]:
Welcome back to the Make Time for Success podcast.

Dr. Christine Li [00:00:02]:
This is episode number 298. Since we are nearing the 300th episode, I thought I would do a special double episode, 2-episode series on clutter because we haven't spoken about clutter in a little bit on the show. And I wrote down so many notes about my thoughts on our relationship with clutter. And how to detach ourselves from the negative elements of that relationship that I thought I would have enough for 2 episodes. So in today's episode, we're going to talk about why clutter is so toxic in our lives. And I think it's really worth a listen. Let's go listen to it together now.

Dr. Christine Li [00:00:55]:
Hi, I'm Dr. Christine Li, and I'm a psychologist and a procrastination coach. I've helped thousands of people move past procrastination and overwhelm so they could begin working to their potential. In this podcast, you're going to learn powerful strategies for getting your mind, body, and energy to work together so that you can focus on what's really important and accomplish the goals you want to achieve. When you start living within your full power, you're going to see how being productive can be easy and how you can create success on demand. Welcome to the Make Time for Success podcast.

Dr. Christine Li [00:01:37]:
Today is part 1 of a 2-part series on our relationship with clutter. And I am going to invite you to stick around. If you struggle with clutter, you're in the right spot. And if this isn't your issue, I want to invite you to stick around too, because I think once you hear the content of this episode, You may feel inclined to share this episode with others that you know who probably do struggle with clutter because so many people in this world do. Now, I'm going to start with a question. I want you all to think, has anyone taught me to let go? And I say that with love. Because really, I don't think I was taught how to let things go. And what happened was, for me, I think a large part of my life was spent thinking about accumulating stuff.

Dr. Christine Li [00:02:45]:
And that wasn't necessarily about having lots of stuff because I'm not actually someone who has lots of stuff or has ever had lots of stuff. But it was more the idea that there was always something more to be had, that there was always some craving to be satisfied, that there was always something that I might need to be fully myself or fully prepared or fully okay. Or fully safe. You, I think, probably understand what I'm getting at because I do feel that the universal thing that happens, at least in America where I am at, is that we are trained into accumulation, having stuff, wanting stuff, craving stuff, needing stuff, fearing not having stuff. And it starts from the earliest days. And so when you have that as the backdrop for what might be a current situation with a lot of clutter in your life, I think that helps us to understand how we get ourselves into these situations. And I'm sharing that thought with you because I realized that really none of us who struggle with clutter were really taught Successfully how to let anything go. So I share this with you so that you can start to have some empathy with yourself so that you can understand how come perhaps you became a shopper, you became a hoarder, you struggle to keep things organized in your home.

Dr. Christine Li [00:04:34]:
All of these pictures of symptoms. have their root in the fact that we're all trained to not let things go, to kind of collect things, to kind of be about our stuff. So now that I've gotten that out of my system and shared that with you, I want to have you think about those impulses that are related to having stuff. And I saw something.

Dr. Christine Li [00:05:05]:
Mm-hmm.

Dr. Christine Li [00:05:06]:
On Instagram, which was so funny, but also so poignant and eye-opening at the same time. And it was on The Minimalists channel or account, The Minimalists. And they had a comedian, a clip of a comedian. I unfortunately could not locate the name of that comedian to credit him because he was genius. And it was this comedian saying how really what we're all wanting is not stuff, actually. We're wanting the feeling of wanting, that that's actually the thing that gets us really excited, that gets us stimulated, that gets us feeling like we're feeling up. And when you think about it, there's some real truth to that. It just was so funny the way he— delivered these jokes.

Dr. Christine Li [00:06:00]:
And he described, for instance, having a new phone. So we all have a phone, but sometimes the most exciting thing that happens in our shopping history is that period of time where you're looking forward to having the upgraded version. And so it's that feeling of wanting and being about to have. But then once you get the thing— The comedian very comedically joked, all of a sudden you just have, and there really is no excitement to having because you know why? According to the comedian, you're still the same person. Nothing has really changed about you. You're still you. So it was all very poignant and very, very hysterical. And I wanted to bring that here because, again, it's a little bit of practice in having empathy towards that part of us that needs the occasional pick-me-up, that really is craving something in your Amazon gigantic wish list and of everything possible in the world that you could buy.

Dr. Christine Li [00:07:14]:
It makes sense that you would want stuff and that you would want the thrill of anticipating Having that new thing, thinking that it would change you for the better. It would make you happier, cooler, more sleek, more stylish. All these things are all packed into that desire process. But what happens is when we chase these things over the years and through phases of life and through different moves of houses and apartments and schools and children that we end up doing all the wanting, wanting, wanting, having, having, having, accumulating, accumulating, and then the stuff becomes clutter. And so that is basically something that we've all been through, I think. Even those of you who are very organized at the moment and who live with relatively little or no clutter, that there is this period of time where The thing that we craved and saved up for and desired so badly becomes something that becomes completely useless in our current life, with our current identity, with our current needs. And that, I think, is just natural too. It makes sense that things become obsolete and we change, and these things are supposed to happen.

Dr. Christine Li [00:08:41]:
But then what do we do? With the clutter? And then what happens to our relationship with that stuff? And I think it's very complicated. I myself have been fascinated by how complex the phenomenon of clutter can be for people and for me in my own life as well. I am just fascinated that I have coached people for more than 3 years on this topic intensively. And I still struggle with clutter myself. I wish for the day where I can come onto a podcast of my own or somebody else's and declare that I'm clutter-free. It is certainly my aim, but I realize that there probably are some issues that I still have to work through. And I'm going to share probably 3 categories now of areas where clutter still is a problem. Perhaps for me and may indeed be a problem for you too.

Dr. Christine Li [00:09:44]:
So the first area is that clutter makes us think of loss. It makes us think of loss of money because we spent the money. And of course, that issue of whatever the piece of clutter is, is related to the money that you originally spent for that item. Even if it's worthless to you now in terms of usefulness, we attach a dollar amount or a value to it somehow because we spent money on that at some point. So we feel, well, we can't part with that. I spent money on that. How many times I've heard that phrase, I cannot even tell you. We also think that clutter signifies a loss of time because it's going to take us time To figure out what to do with the thing.

Dr. Christine Li [00:10:35]:
Are we going to be able to release it? Where are we going to be able to release it to? Who will accept it? Who might need it? How might I repurpose this? All these things, all these thoughts, all these conundrums take up a lot of time. They also take up a lot of energy. And this may be the number one biggest roadblock when it comes to removing clutter from your home. People are really concerned about the energy that it takes to release clutter. And that makes sense. It makes so much sense because clutter often comes in piles or whole rooms or entire garages. And when we're real about it, we all know that as full-grown adults, oftentimes energy isn't really in full supply after a long day of work or a long day of parenting or a long day of caring for loved ones, you might be short on energy and dealing with your clutter may be the very last thing that you can even imagine being possible, let alone being desirable. So clutter we associate with loss of energy for real.

Dr. Christine Li [00:11:53]:
Another thing that releasing clutter makes us think about is A fear of a loss of our security. What if this thing that we're thinking of releasing is something that we will eventually need? I hear this a lot as well. And I always kind of scratch my head these days when I hear this one because we've, we've called this clutter. It's already in the category of clutter. And then we're imagining a future situation where we're going to desperately need it. And I would say, even if that rare scenario actually comes true, that I will most likely argue for the release of the clutter because the fact that it makes you worry so much while being useless in your current life is reason enough to let it go. We oftentimes do have the ability to replace things in the future. And again, These scenarios that we're envisioning are so low probability that I think we can just find the courage inside to just say, I am safe in my current situation.

Dr. Christine Li [00:13:06]:
I've decided I don't need this now, and I'm going to let this go. I'm going to try to have it be useful to somebody else. May that be the case. And if it's not, we're just going to plain let it go, toss it, toss it in the trash. Another thing that clutter makes us think regarding loss is the loss of memories, memories of times gone by, of identities that we enjoyed and we were proud of, or identities that we wouldn't want to forget even if they made us miserable. And of course, memories of loved ones. That is the most powerful force, I think, that connects people to their sentimental clutter. It's the belief that if they let the item go, that they are somehow dishonoring the memory of their beloved loved ones.

Dr. Christine Li [00:13:58]:
So that is always a tough place to be because this item is in your house and that energy is so charged, that energy of memory, of love, of that relationship, of the moment that person gave that to you. The qualities of the person who has passed on or who is not in your life anymore. All of these things are pure emotional struggle. And again, I'm just sending you my empathy and understanding if you happen to have this kind of clutter and these items in your home. But I'm just sharing that with you because we're human, right? We're going to have feelings. We're going to be attached. to things. And I'm hoping that this double episode series on clutter helps you to just really root yourself in your empathy and understanding towards yourself so you can make the best decision and action plan that you can come up with to handle the clutter once and for all.

Dr. Christine Li [00:15:07]:
The second major area that clutter brings up in our relationship with it is that it really drains our energy. I mentioned that a couple minutes ago in the loss segment, but I want to speak about it in a different way in this segment because what we do is we focus on our clutter and our brain has a way of scanning our environment. Always, because that's just what we do. Our eyes scan, our senses scan, but there's something called the Zeigarnik effect. It's Z-I-E-G-A-R-N-I-K. And that is the effect where the brain is more likely to remember unfinished business, uncompleted loops. than it is things that have been finished. And if you think about this for any bit of time, I think you could come up with examples of where your brain is really good at doing this.

Dr. Christine Li [00:16:15]:
I actually love my brain because I love my brain, period. But I also love my brain because it's really good at reminding me of unfinished business. So even if I haven't written something down, My brain will just kick up a thought every once in a while of something that I've forgotten to complete. And I just really kind of have developed this real appreciation for that part of my brain. But that's called the Zeigarnik effect. And I think that when we have clutter, it's basically the Zeigarnik effect all over our house because there are unfinished decisions. There are things that haven't been fully put away. There are things that don't belong together, paired together in your home.

Dr. Christine Li [00:17:05]:
These are just small examples of how the brain is just trying to complete the cycle for you. It's trying to rest. It's trying to focus. But what it's doing instead is it's being disrupted and distracted by these open loops. By the clutter, plain and simple. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is a drain on your energy. So think about that for a little bit. Let yourself put away maybe one item of clutter just before this episode is over and just show yourself how easy it can be to just restore a piece of your energy that way.

Dr. Christine Li [00:17:46]:
Now, the third major topic that I want to talk about, about clutter and our relationship with it, is the very real reality that clutter has a great way of generating guilt and shame. And I will explain both. Guilt is an internal, intrapersonal feeling. It's between you and you. That's my understanding of the It's the kind of thing where you're saying, I wish this clutter were gone, but you're feeling really badly that it's there right now. It's the kind of thought that accompanies a thought like, I wish a dumpster would just magically appear. You're feeling guilty for the way things are right now. You're having some negative reaction.

Dr. Christine Li [00:18:39]:
Mm-hmm.

Dr. Christine Li [00:18:40]:
to your current situation and you're feeling like you wish there would be some other replacement situation for your current scenario with clutter. So that's between you and you. Then there is our amazing friend shame. I'm saying that tongue in cheek. Shame is between people. It is interpersonal. It is between people. It's a social phenomenon where we're feeling badly about our current situation in such a way that it makes us feel certain things about being in a social situation.

Dr. Christine Li [00:19:18]:
So if you're feeling like your clutter is preventing you from having people over comfortably or on the fly, that may be a version of feeling shame about your clutter or your current situation. And you're worried about things like being judged, feeling uncomfortable, feeling awkward, having your guests or friends be uncomfortable or feeling awkward in your home. And I think this kind of guilt and shame really affects women predominantly. It's been shown that women are disrupted in their levels of comfort more than men by these situations. And I saw another social media post recently where a man was describing over video of him tidying up his home that he can live with the clutter, but his wife is living with the pressure of potentially being judged for the way their home was with the clutter. They had, I think, young children. And so it just struck me as being quite the sensitive take on the differences between men and women and who is being held responsible for the clutter in the home, right? It's generated by everyone, but the women— tend to be tasked with the responsibility of carrying the emotional burden, the social burden of the stuff, of the cleaning too, and of the management of the home. So there's that reality as well.

Dr. Christine Li [00:21:07]:
So all these topics put together, the fact that clutter makes us think of loss and fear loss and think about loss. The fact that clutter drains our energy, our life energy, our day-to-day energy, our coping energy, and that it also generates guilt and shame, sometimes in big quantities. All of these woven together, I think for me, helped me to understand why so many people struggle with doing anything at all When it comes to clutter, it makes you want to run. It makes you want to hide. It makes you want to deny that anything exists. It makes you want to just do more work, actually, because you would do anything to avoid having to spend your beautiful, precious lifetime figuring all this stuff out, making those decisions. But I will share with you now and give you a little preview about what's to come in the next episode. That I promise you that when you put your own emotional and life resources together enough to begin decluttering, even in the smallest way possible, even that one item that I cued you to do before the end of listening to this episode, even that one move is going to change your life for the better because it really signals to you that you do have power in this relationship with clutter, that the toxicity does not have to be a permanent factor in your life.

Dr. Christine Li [00:22:45]:
Actually, the faster we can make our way through this toxic relationship to the other side where we're loving our space, we're loving our stuff, and we're loving ourselves, I say the better. So thank you so much for listening to my musings on the toxic relationship that clutter brings into our lives and how to open your brain up, your mindset up to the idea that different things are possible for you. If you would like to join me in the middle of September, starting September 14th, for a wonderful week of training on how to reenergize your home. It is a decluttering week. I would love for you to join me in this round. I have been running these decluttering challenges for about 3 years now, and we are about to do the 15th round of the challenge again, starting September 14th. All you need to do to get the registration page is go to maketimeforsuccesspodcast.com/clutterfree. maketimeforsuccesspodcast.com/clutterfree.

Dr. Christine Li [00:24:07]:
All right? I hope you'll sign up. I hope you'll join me in the next episode where we're gonna talk more about clutter. And I hope you have a wonderful day too. All right, take care.

Dr. Christine Li [00:24:19]:
Bye. Thank you for listening to this episode of the Make Time for Success podcast. If you enjoyed what you've heard, you can subscribe to make sure you get notified of upcoming episodes. You can also visit our website, maketimeforsuccesspodcast.com, for past episodes, show notes, and all the resources we mention on the show. Feel free to connect with me over on Instagram too. You can find me there under the name Procrastination Coach. Send me a DM and let me know what your thoughts are about the episodes you've been listening to, and let me know any topics that you might like me to talk about on the show. I'd love to hear all about how you're making time for success.

Dr. Christine Li [00:25:01]:
Talk to you soon.