The Surprising Power of Releasing Control for More Productivity

Dr. Christine Li [00:00:01]:
Welcome back to the Make Time for Success podcast. This is episode number 256. For today's episode, I thought I'd take on the very complicated topic of control. This is not something that I am used to talking about, but I think it's such an important concept in all of our lives. So let's take this on and maybe release some of that tightly held control over everything. Let's go listen to this episode together now.

Dr. Christine Li [00:00:37]:
Hi, I'm Dr. Christine Li, and I'm a psychologist and a procrastination coach. I've helped thousands of people move past procrastination and overwhelm so they could begin working to their potential. In this podcast, you're going to learn powerful strategies for getting your mind, body and energy to work together so that you can focus on what's really important and accomplish the goals you want to achieve. When you start living within your full power, you're going to see how being productive can be easy and how you can create success on demand. Welcome to the Make Time for Success podcast.

Dr. Christine Li [00:01:19]:
So I've come to realize that every podcast episode has a bit of a backstory, at least when I'm doing the podcast hosting. And today's episode has a kind of fun backstory. I was teaching a module in my program, Simply Productive. I was teaching it live to my students, and I was using a set of slides that I had created a while ago to teach the lesson on productivity strategies and secrets. And one of the slides said Release control. And when I reviewed member reflections on the lesson, a lot of people mentioned that that particular slide about releasing control was the one that they had more difficulty with, or it was the slide that kind of got them to think a little bit more. And I realized in that moment that their reaction was signaling something. And I also realized that I myself was stopping a little bit at that slide because I realized that I had much more to say on the topic.

Dr. Christine Li [00:02:40]:
But I was relatively unpracticed at teaching about the benefits of releasing control, of living more with flexibility as a goal, rather than having complete domination and control over everything as the goal. So I thought I would take the brave step and put together a podcast episode on this topic, just in case I learned something extra about this topic and how to teach it. And just in case you might need to hear some comforting words about the topic of control as it works in your life. As we all know, oftentimes we crave control. It makes sense because control, as we understand it signifies that we have predictability, we have safety, we have Order. We can presume that there's stability because we have a sense of control or we've arranged for things to be under control. It makes us feel like, competent. It makes us feel like, prepared.

Dr. Christine Li [00:03:57]:
It makes us feel like we care. It makes us think all sorts of positive things. And we've all been there. We've all desired control over situations, sometimes over people, sometimes over outcomes. We've all been there. So there's no reason to think that this, this topic does not apply to you. Because if we're human, we have desired control. Sometimes we've desired safety, we've desired predictability.

Dr. Christine Li [00:04:27]:
It's all of those kinds of things. And it seems like protection for us. So it's no wonder that oftentimes we crave more control. But we also all know that control sometimes isn't all that. Sometimes control can be exhausting. It could lead into perfectionism. It can lead to feeling overly responsible about situations and processes and outcomes. It can lead to real anxiety, too.

Dr. Christine Li [00:05:08]:
When you really feel like something needs to go just so, just perfectly, just as you need it to in your controlling state, then maybe you've experienced this too. You kind of freeze up. You kind of feel like all of a sudden you're blanking out. Just when you need to be presenting something to a group of people, or just when you really want to shine, you feel like you just don't have it in you or you've forgotten your words or something like that. So control can both be something that feels protective, but it can also be something that causes us to get confused and to feel a little less powerful than we really are. So how do we work with this topic? How do we figure out what is the right level of control? How do we determine for our own selves, our own unique individual selves, what is our relationship going to be with control? That is my goal for this episode. To kind of give you a little bit of a framework to think about and to try on and some reflective thoughts from me to you so that you can take some time to really evaluate how control is operating in your life. I have five points to discuss in this effort.

Dr. Christine Li [00:06:41]:
The first one is that we can remember, or that we should remember that everything is transient, that everything is not going to last. Everything is in transition somehow. And I think when we fight and scramble to get control, we're oftentimes forgetting that pretty much everything is in some sort of change state, right? Like we are growing as I'm speaking, we are getting older as I'm speaking, we are thinking differently as I'm speaking to you. And so control is only part of life, right? The grand goal of things can't be full control because really we're meant as human beings to expand and change and, and have serendipitous moments and take opportunities and make decisions and go down different paths. In our one life, we do have one life, but in that one life, we've got so many different options. So that seems to make control a little less important when you think about life in that context, that everything is changing all the time. So maybe that thought might help you reflect on your own desire to have control, if that defines you. The second thought point that I have is that we need to recognize that not only is everything transient, but that change is really natural.

Dr. Christine Li [00:08:25]:
We cannot stop the tide from coming in. It is better to ride with the wave than to go against it. And so often when we are trying to design our plans, we're trying to micromanage everything, we're trying to predict everything, we're trying to make sure nothing terrible happens. And that makes sense. But when we are draining our life energy and our brain cells out of ourselves in this effort, that doesn't really make sense. We're not really in alignment with how nature runs. If we are draining our life energy trying to control something that is going to run its course in a natural way itself. So everything has its natural ebb and flow.

Dr. Christine Li [00:09:22]:
So try to be like water, I guess, is what I'm saying, instead of trying to be like the controlling person, let's put it that way. The third thought point that I have today is that we have to learn to strengthen our inner sense of purpose and power. This is the way, I believe, to let go of some of the desire to control. When you feel truly trusting of yourself, truly confident, and truly like you're living towards a mission, or you're living with purpose, or you're living with joy. Any of those topics or concepts, you can feel like your decisions are going to be just right, your experiments are going to go just fine, that you're going to learn as you journey forward that you don't need everything just so in order to move forward, you can just move forward, trust yourself, trust your reactions, trust your instincts, trust that you are good enough and that you are strong enough to withstand whatever comes your way. And of course, hopefully everything is going to go really beautifully. But I have to say that in my experience, when I trust myself at a higher level, things go better. I don't have to worry so much because when I feel like I'M prepared, I'm a good person.

Dr. Christine Li [00:11:01]:
Things tend to go well for me. Things then tend to go well for me. And I'd love for you to try that on because I feel like that is an easier strategy to deploy, like basically being in your power than controlling everything and everybody around you. It's just so much more effort to do the control route. So try the strength of being route. Try the self trusting route, because I think you'll be pleasantly surprised when you do. The fourth point that I have for you is that flexibility oftentimes serves us so much better than rigidity. And as we know, control is associated with rigidity.

Dr. Christine Li [00:11:50]:
Right? We can only have this table setting. That's what I'm thinking of right now, spontaneously. We can't have that table setting because it will ruin everything. And that is the way we think sometimes when we're in our controlling frame of mind. And when we're flexible, we think, oh, I'm so glad the guests are coming. I'm so glad we're celebrating this event. I'm so glad we're coming together, and I'm so glad we have tableware to use. It's like it doesn't really matter which choice you make as long as you enjoy yourselves, as long as everyone has what they need to participate.

Dr. Christine Li [00:12:37]:
You know, you just need in some ways the bare minimum. You need the minimum, but you don't need everything just so. So choose flexibility and choose ease with that flexibility over rigidity when you can. I have been taught by different mentors and different life experiences over time that rigidity makes you vulnerable to breakage. It's like when you have a tree branch that's rigid and that's prone to breaking, versus like even a tender young tendril of a plant that it can seem really fragile, but it's actually more flexible than something that is rigid. I hope I've explained that well. But I really do believe that flexibility is a great thing to be able to nurture and to have think about options. We like oftentimes options.

Dr. Christine Li [00:13:46]:
And that is just one version of having flexibility. Sometimes we can make ourselves nuts with options and wanting options, but today I'm talking about the reverse. Like when we're insisting on having things just a certain way, having our designs on everything in a particular way, and that, that in some ways can make us vulnerable to stress, to worry, and to feeling like I need to control everything and everybody so that I can have this one design that I've come up with. The last point that I have for you on the Topic of control is that you can practice the art of detachment. Detachment is when we decide that we like something and we'd prefer something be a certain way, but we are not going to change. Our mood is not going to change. We are not going to fall into states of disappointment and despair if things don't turn out the way we hoped they would. So it's kind of saying, I will go with the flow.

Dr. Christine Li [00:15:00]:
I will be just fine as long as I am me. I don't need anything outside of me to feed that stability within me. Detachment means not depending on things being just so to feel okay. And that's basically the opposite of really craving control and having to insist on having control. We know things like in popular media, like the. What's that show, the thing with the brides where they're kind of like the Nightmare Bride because they need to have everything, like their dress and the invitations and the guest list. Everything has to be perfect. Understandably, there's anxiety and stress around planning a wedding, but you don't have to be the Nightmare Bride.

Dr. Christine Li [00:15:55]:
If that floats your boat, great, go ahead and do that. But this episode was designed to help you to be free in your life, to be free in your heart and your mind, so that you can really enjoy things like your wedding, things like the table setting, things like your choices and experiments through life. Because we have so many opportunities to create our lives throughout every single day. And control is just one tool that we have. And I wanted to create this episode today to remind you that you can rely on your other tools just as powerfully and with great success so you don't have to feel anxious or stressed or like you're not getting what you want. Because there's so many ways to design your life for success. So let's make time for success. I would like for you to evaluate how control operates in your life now that you've heard my thoughts on the topic.

Dr. Christine Li [00:16:59]:
Are you clinging? Are you stressed? Are you fighting for a particular option when there are so many other ones that can be fine for you? Take a few minutes to think about this and maybe decide. I'm going to experiment with a little bit of relaxation, a little bit of surrender of that need for control. And I'm going to see how things turn out and then I can decide whatever I need to after that. It'll all be okay. We're all in a changed state. We're all growing and we're all learning together. Thanks so much for learning with me in today's episode and on the Make Time for Success Podcast. If you would like the free download that comes with today's episode on Control, please go to maketimeforsuccesspodcast.com/control again maketimeforsuccesspodcast.com/control and enjoy the free download when you get it.

Dr. Christine Li [00:17:59]:
I'll see you next week. Bye.

Dr. Christine Li [00:18:02]:
Thank you for listening to this episode of the Make Time for Success Podcast. If you enjoyed what you've heard, you can subscribe to make sure you get notified of upcoming episodes. You can also Visit our website maketimeforsuccesspodcast.com for past episodes, show notes and all the resources we mention on the show. Feel free to connect with me over on Instagram too. You can find me there under the name Procrastination Coach. Send me a DM and let me know what your thoughts are about the episodes you've been listening to and let me know any topics that you might like me to talk about on the show. I'd love to hear all about how you're making Time for Success. Talk to you soon.